Lessons

I decided to try my hand at selling plants from my home this year. I have hundreds of tomato and pepper plants started but no customers. A friend made me a web page and I put an ad on Craig's list. This has been the coldest, meanest spring I can ever remember. And the whole time I have been working my rear end off, falling into bed each night totally exhausted. And what used to be a joy has become a nightmare all because I needed to make some money. In the beginning every single little seedling lived, which most gardeners know is unusual. I felt good and felt that plants loved me. Then I became doubtful, tired, fearful and started making excuses to let some die. Things went very bad. Horrible storms came, killing frosts that decimated my little plants. I lost my faith and worry over not making a dollar here or there ruled my life. And then yesterday a lovely day sitting outside still transplanting but just doing it for the love of it. And then I had a visit by two belligerant wasps who would not get out of my face. I tried and tried to ignore them but I have a deep, deep fear of wasps. When I was around 3 years old I was attacked by thousands of them and stung almost to death. Each year I grow a little more braver and tolerant. But these two tested my faith and my husband brought out the wasp spray and either they were dead or they decided to leave. My husband surprised me by saying over and over how sorry he was that he had to kill them. He wished they would have just gone away. He felt so bad and then I felt bad that he had killed them for me.

Then this morning I find this

Clarissa Pinkola Estes: "In fairy-tale justice, as in the deep psyche, kindness to that which seems less is rewarded by good, and refusal to do good for one who is not beautiful is reviled and punished. When we enlarge ourselves to touch the not-beautiful, we are rewarded. If we spurn the not-beautiful, we are severed from life and left out in the cold."

Could anything be any clearer? Now all he and I can do is try to make amends and learn to live and let live.

Life is painful and full of lessons lately even in the smallest things. But I know great joy is there too, but I am being taught to appreciate that. Just wanted to share in case we are all at some crossroads now and it seems hopeless, we have to keep trying and not give in to the things we know are wrong and lead to a dead end. And even the "not beautiful" deserves our love.

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